Tales of an Addictive/Compulsive/Impulsive Sparkly Girl

No, I didn’t break out in handcuffs. However, I did break out in stupidity. Read on, dear reader, read on. Oh and on the subject of RDJ, yeah I’d hit that. In 100 different ways. Giggle!!!!

I started writing this on 10/19/2012. Not sure when I will post it. Not sure of anything as of late. Except the fact that life is only as good as you make it. So I’ve decided to make a good life for myself and those around me. First off, I have a confession to make. I am an addictive personality and very compulsive/impulsive. I think with my heart most of the time, and to hell with the outcome. Then my conscience gets the better of me and I have incredible panic and anxiety over my actions. I’ve always been this way. It’s not something I can shut off. It’s something that I must live with and control every day. It sucks, but it’s who I am. Secondly, I am an alcoholic. Yes, I am. My addictive/compulsive/impulsive brain thought that I could drink again after all the weight loss and exercise. What I got was a big, fat nope, you can’t do that!  I got the message after I proceeded to drink a magnum of wine one night and pour my heart out to a friend that I had no business pouring my heart out to.

My Roger Darling knows nothing of this binge and if he reads this post this is where he will find it out. I’ve been married to the man for 23 years. He’s kinda got this sparkly but tarnished girl figured out. For reasons completely unknown to me, he stays. He stays with an addictive/compulsive/impulsive woman who does stupid shit when she drinks. He stays with an addictive/compulsive/impulsive woman when she doesn’t drink and still does stupid shit. He stays. And why does he stay? Because he loves this addictive/compulsive/impulsive woman. Yes he does.  For that, I love him with every part of me that I can.

He sat down with me a few days ago after my wine binge, which he might have known about but didn’t acknowledge, and said, “woman, I love you, get your shit together.”  I said, “you’re right honey, I’m sorry I will.”  AGAIN! I’ve been saying shit like that for hmmmmm, going on 23 years now. That evening he had to go back to work for a few hours. We sat, had coffee, watched the Tigers sweep the Yankees (YAY!) and chatted. I gave him my word that it was a night for me to disconnect. To watch 30 Rock, Up All Night and The Office on NBC. Then it was bed and a book. No computer. No writing. No texting. Nada, nothing, zip, zilch, and zero. And that my friends, is exactly what I did. I threw out the empty wine bottle, I kicked my feet up and watched crappy t.v. Which isn’t that crappy because 30 Rock is the shit! Tracy Morgan makes me laugh so hard, I wet myself. I talked to Roger Darling on the phone. Then crawled into bed with the Wonder Schnauzers nestled around me and slept the best I had in weeks. I never even heard RD crawl into bed with me later that night. I was out!

The next morning, I awoke and I was happy. Maybe even a little sparkle had returned. I’m a little tarnished still. I always will be. Because, well, I’m an addictive/compulsive/impulsive girl. But I’m one that is dearly loved by her Roger Darling, her Meggie, and her Adam Boy. And by many, many, many others.

First and foremost I need to find the love I have for myself. I’m a good person. I have a good heart. I love with all of it. Though not too wisely sometimes. I am smart. I am funny and sarcastic as fuck. I say fuck a lot! I’m a bombshell and dammit, I’m a fucking rock star! Yes, I’m in therapy. And that man is a fucking rock star too. He keeps me in check and makes me realize I AM NOT CRAZY! I am not bi-polar, and I’m not narcissistic. The highs, lows and and intense emotions I feel are what make me, me. This is me!

Here’s a bit of random trivia for you. Robert Downey, Jr. was born April 4, 1965. I was born April 3, 1968. We’re both Aries (stubborn/bullheaded/fiery/passionate/sensual/adventurous/fun). We are both addicts. Why am I not surprised I am born under the same sign and only a day apart. I’ve always loved the man, but now I get it even more. Hey, I watched Biography recently because, well the man flips my damn trigger. I’d let him watch t.v. while he did me for the love of God! Okay, enough about him. DAMN is the man HAWT! Seriously, enough.

I’ve been sober for a week. I’ve been getting better by the day. The depression is waning and so is the anxiety. I went back to exercising. Which is such a good addiction to have. My joints hurt and my muscles are sore. But hey, it’s so much better than a hangover.

Not sure why but the song below resonates with me. He was newly sober, but had incredible support. I have incredible support. So on and on this sparkly but tarnished girl goes. BTW the book writing continues…… On and on I go….. With love in my heart, and love by my side.

Special thanks to Harry for sending me a message to tell me to keep writing. You’ll always be my BFF who gets me. Why in God’s name you are still my friend after 14 years I will never fully understand. But I love you Harry.

37 thoughts on “Tales of an Addictive/Compulsive/Impulsive Sparkly Girl

  1. I love you woman! I think we are alot alike 🙂 and yes i think its mostly good traits that we share & ok so sure some wild anxious hyper goofy ones too.. but even those arent all bad (@least not allll the time! Lol) . Makes us more than ordinary is all…. extraordinary! 🙂 xox

  2. Me? April 10TH, Dearest. Now I KNOW We Are Of One Mind. 😉
    Love You Dear.
    Excellent Post.
    A Bit More Detail Than I’ve Ever Let Out About Myself…
    …But I Think That’s Part Of The Excellence.
    Don’t Give-Up The Writing Dearest…
    …It May Save Your Life One Day. 🙂
    Love Ya Bunches,

    • We most definitely are so much alike. I love you Bradley. I tend to over share, but that’s okay. I share so others don’t have to. So others know that it’s okay to be all fucked up. I won’t give up writing. I do believe it has already saved my life. More than once. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    • Thanks boomiebol for everything. I say what others can’t. I’m proud of who I am and that I can admit I’m a fuck up. I am but my heart is good. Isn’t that Tracy Morgan the funniest? Some of the shit he does makes me lose my ever-loving mind! Giggle.

  3. Hahaha! God Renee! You never fail to make me laugh! I love how you’re honest with yourself! I wish I can be like that to myself. Reading that you’re having your shit back together piece by piece makes me feel happy! Girl, you’re my therapy!

    Now, go write that novel or I’ll go slap your big momma ass if you don’t!

    • Oh my love you tickle me to pieces. I’m honest for all those that can’t be. It’s why I do what I do. Write what I write. Say what I say. I do it for you and all the others that are reading and following. I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad I make you laugh. I am kind of a nut. I’m emo too, but a nut most of the time. Giggle. As for the novel, I’m working on it. Every little chance I get. 😉

  4. Just sayin’ …Drinking a bottle ( a magnum no less ) after a time period of no drinking is a lot for a non addict. The real reason I had to comment was to tell you my nickname for Robert Downey Jr. I call that man…Robert, Journey Down. It’s more of a command or plea than a name : )

  5. Renee, you are such a strong woman!! We all have our weaknesses. I’m not an alcoholic, but I am also guilty of following my heart and not my head, and feeling the guilt later with lots of anxiety. But the nice thing is, each day we start fresh 🙂 And you are so brave putting so much of yourself out there. Unfortunately I have dealt with addiction a lot with my friends. I will always be here if you need anybody to talk to, or just to know that someone is rooting for you 🙂 Stay strong! xoxo

    • Thanks my love. I’m working hard at it every day. I feel so good and the creative juices are flowing again. All being drunk did for me was make me cry and act stupid. No more! Time to get back in shape and write that damn book. Much love my dear and I hope you’re doing well.

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