You Gotta Get Up and Try, Try, Try


My day started as usual. The alarm went off and I practically knocked the fucking thing on the floor to shut it off. I snuggled with Heidi Jo Jo, the Wonder Schnauzer. She licked my nose. I dragged my ass out of bed, said my good morning to Roger Darling and headed to the shower. As I was stumbling into the tub, Heidi had to have me pet her one more time. Of course I talked to her like she was a baby. Her little nubbin wagged excitedly with the extra loving. Afterward I dressed in warm clothes. Grabbed some coffee. Chatted with Rog. Did my hair. All the normal boring shit I usually do.

As I was walking outside to go warm up my car, I slid on the frost covered deck and fell on my ass. I let out a huge laugh that brought Roger to our picture window. As usual he shook his head at me. Then he raised his shoulders as if to say, “What the fuck woman?” I just kept laughing and picked myself up. Wiped my ass off as I headed out to my car and started it up. I do have a new Candy Blue, the Stripper Car. She’s more curvaceous  than my other Candy Blue. But curvy girls are always better. There’s more to hold onto.

I made my way to work with the stereo cranked to 11, changing stations constantly and singing my brains out. Typical drive in. I was screaming to P!nk’s new release, Try when my Sync system cut in. It was Roger Darling of course. He asked where I was. I let him know I was almost to the parking structure. He said he had just talked to mom and that one of our family members had been found dead this morning. I started crying. He told me to hold it together and call her back. I did. She sounded sick with grief. She told me no more details than my husband did. I made sure to tell her I loved her and to call me with any news.

In the span of five minutes and two phone calls my life changed. My mundane morning routine was turned upside down. My happiness, replaced with grief. For my sweet cousins.  My entire family. As usual death will bring us together. We will hug, cry and reminisce. We will remember and look forward. We will hold on. We will let go.

Much love my dear friends. Much love.

The sound of him in the morning

Roger darling always gets up before me. He’s an early riser and I’m a night owl. Since it’s Saturday morning I slept in a bit. He came into the bedroom, looked at me and asked, “are you feeling okay honey, are you sore?” I said, “I’m not as sore as I thought I would be.”

Last evening I was in a car accident. I drove left of center and hit a young kid that was driving his grandfather’s car. I’m okay and so is he. I felt so bad for him though. It was my fault! We called 911 and held hands until the cops and ambulance got there. I soothed his nerves as best I could while I cried. I digress.

Back to my Roger. After we chatted for a few minutes, I took a pain pill and headed back to bed. He then asked if he could go to the casino with my mom. I told him, “of course, I’m going back to bed.” He called my mom and they devised their plans for the day.

Then he got ready. There is something so comforting about the sound of his movements in the bathroom. Hearing the rush of water as he showers. Then after he shuts it off I know he’s standing there naked and drying himself off.

He came to stand in the doorway of our bedroom to chat, then headed back to the bathroom to shave. I couldn’t see him but I could hear the squirting sound of the shaving cream in his hand. I knew then that he was applying it to his face. He turned on the faucet to run the razor under the hot water. He repeated the movements until his face was smooth. Then he tapped the razor on the side of the sink to remove the excess water.

Next he brushed his teeth. I know because he stood in our doorway, brush in hand and squirted the toothpaste on his brush. There’s something so funny about having a conversation with him while he’s brushing his teeth. With that task done, he came to my side of the bed and kissed me sweetly. Asked one more time if it was okay if he went out to play. I told him yes, of course. I’ll be fine.

Now my eyelids are heavy from pain medicine and I’m snuggled in bed with the wonder schnauzers. I have to say I will never tire of listening to the sounds of Roger getting ready. I take such comfort in knowing he’s here.