Communion, Forgiveness and Recovery


This do in remembrance of Me

Last Sunday, I held the small piece of bread in my left hand, and the tiny plastic glass of ‘wine’ in my right. The pastor recited a prayer, and with my eyes closed, I recalled the last time I’d taken communion. It was at Linda’s funeral, in a Catholic church. No, I’m not Catholic, but I am a rebel. Therefore I’ll be damned if anyone will tell me whether or not I can partake of the body and blood of my Lord Jesus Christ. I grinned at the memory while I chewed and drank. I had to stay seated during communion because my newly mended right ankle was achy and stiff.

The pastor spoke of finding joy in our nearness to God. That happiness is fleeting, but joy is everlasting. As the lesson continued, I began to do my daily ankle exercises. I pointed my right toes as far forward as I could and held them there for ten seconds. I released the stretch and pulled my toes up toward the sky as far as I could. I held the stretch for another ten seconds, repeating each stretch 15 times. Then came the side to side stretches. The sermon progressed and I placed my right foot back on the floor. It didn’t ache nearly as much as it did before I stretched the Achilles tendon six ways from Sunday.

A particular bible verse struck a raw emotional nerve and I began to cry. Don’t ask me what it was about, because I can’t recall it. All I know is it had something to do with paying for indiscretions and mistakes. That once we are forgiven by God, we must learn to forgive ourselves. As I wiped my eyes, Laura asked if I was all right, and I assured her I was. That I was better than all right. That I was forgiven.

After the sermon ended, we made our way to the back of the church. My ankle was stiff as I began to walk, but I noticed that I no longer had any pain. The familiar ache had disappeared! A smile spread across my face and was lit by the morning sun. I walked with almost an entirely normal gait. I felt free for the first time since March 11, 2014. I. Was. Free!

It’s Wednesday night and the pain has not returned. I’ve had a few twinges here and there, but that’s because I had a very intense physical therapy session on Tuesday afternoon. On March 12, 2014 after 5.5 hours or reconstructive surgery on my right ankle, my life changed. I know it will never be the same, but I am assured with God’s grace and love I have recovered.


Angels Follow in Blind Obedience

Angel Devil

I’d rather laugh with the sinners, and cry with the saints. The sinners are much more fun. Only the good die young.-Billy Joel
“I’ve always wanted the wings of angels tattooed down the length of my back,” she announced to him. “I’m thinking the bloody remains of them are more appropriate now.”
He told her, “You’re no angel. You’re much better than that. Angels follow in blind obedience, you get to choose.”
“We are all of us broken. And broken is not okay, but it must occur if we are to be reborn, yes?”
He continued, “Jesus was broken, but He rose above. Follow his lead, should you choose, and you’ll be alright, kid.”
She responded, “You have been sent to me by Him. You know that, don’t you?”
“I’ve tried to follow His lead everyday.”
She continued speaking her most private thoughts out loud, “I’ll keep mending-Darling, I hope you do the same.”

I’m a Christian that can’t stand the idea of organized religion. Why is that?

    • “Then he saith to Thomas: Put in thy finger hither, and see my hands; and bring hither thy hand, and put it into my side; and be not faithless, but believing. Thomas answered, and said to him: My Lord, and my God. Jesus saith to him: Because thou hast seen me, Thomas, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen and have believed.”—John 20:27-29

Quite simply because it involves dealing with humans and not the concept of Christianity itself. I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I know that he is my Lord and Savior. That he has been with me through the good and most difficult times in my life. I pray when days are good and I pray when my will has been shattered. I have tried my damnedest to teach my children that their religion is up to them. But I ultimately hoped they would decide to be Christians too. My daughter did choose Christ, my son still has a wait and see or Agnostic attitude. He knows there’s something more, but he’s just not sure what it is. I’ve told him many times that’s what faith is. You don’t have to see, hear, smell, touch or taste it to know it’s there. That it will keep you safe….

I am a realist though, too. I know, I know, walking contradiction, right? But I do believe that bad things happen to good people. My dear husband has lost both parents to cancer so he is at times still angry at God for taking them from him. There’s nothing like watching your parent waste away to nothing from a disease and wondering why it had to happen. I can understand his anger, but I also wish he would just let go and know that they aren’t suffering anymore. They are in Heaven with the ones that went before them. However, DSH wants his parents here with him, sharing in all the good and bad in our lives. He shouldn’t have become an orphan at the age 48. It isn’t fair……

I told a dear friend today that God is always with us, but the Devil is there too. Even when something unspeakable is happening to us. Done by another human, God is still there. It is the free will of others that can hurt us, damage us, destroy us. That is when we have to have the most faith in God. To let go and let God, as it were. I’m not saying prayer is the only way to save yourself. It isn’t. We have to give ourselves over to more than just God. We have to realize that we are good people, that we deserve good lives, that we need extra help and the strength of others to fix us. God gave those people that help us, the knowledge. Just like God gave the scientist that believes in evolution that knowledge. Even if that scientist doesn’t believe in a higher power. They still got their knowledge from God.

My husband just said something profound, maybe we don’t lose our faith, it just goes on hiatus. We sometimes wait until we need it to acknowledge God again. But the fact remains that we always have it, even when it gets lost….. I do not know all of the scriptures, I don’t know every book in The Bible, and I probably can’t recite too much. But I know that I can find comfort in the words and teachings of Jesus. That He ultimately is by my side and in my heart.

It makes me sad when my son or a friend tells me they don’t believe in God or Heaven or Hell. It makes me sad because I know that if I get the chance to go to Heaven when I die, that they won’t be with me for Eternity. If I get the chance to be there I want them to be there too. To live with no more pain, and suffering and to feel the healing touch of God. I want that for everyone that I love…..

I will never believe that God has a scorecard. He doesn’t care if we go to church. He cares that we believe, that we live our lives by his guidebook, The Bible. That we believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. And that we find strength in both Him and his Father…. And He cares that we teach our children that faith, hope and love are the three most important things to live by. Amen.

What a difference a year makes (Part 6)

“Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses toward growth.”

November 28, 2011.

Down 118.5 lbs.


Finally bought a pair of jeans and put them on.

They don’t look great but they look better than I thought they would.

Still unsure about life, but I’m getting better.

Realizing that all the food I was stuffing in my mouth was to make me numb.

Same with the alcohol.

But numb me from what?

Lost youth, lost love, lost passion?

All of that and more?

Feeling some feelings so intensely, all I do is cry.

All the damn time.

Fake a good smile.

Fake a good life.

Fake a good heart……

But my heart isn’t good, or so I think….

Wish I didn’t have to feel for just a day.

So instead I run.

I smile, I fake it, I keep muddling through.

Don’t have control so I control the only thing I can.

Food, and exercise.

Therapy isn’t far away…

What’s my identity without the fat?

Pray all the time…

Beg God for forgiveness, to stop the hurt, the uncertainty.

Unless you are my partner or my doctor stay the FUCK out of my cunt!

“There is something reassuring about the toilets. Bodily functions at least remain democratic. Everybody shits, as Moira would say.” Chapter 39, The Handmaid’s Tale

I have been fuming in the last couple of days. Oh hell I’ve been fuming for the last couple of years. I’ve been standing in the middle of my living screaming at my husband. He and I love a good debate. He loves my passion but dammit I’m so fucking mad I could just lose my ever loving mind! I’ve so had it with the Republicans. I am so tired of them trying to take women’s health, work lives, family lives, and rights back at least 400 years! What gives them the right to decide what happens to my uterus? Whether or not I want to have a child? An affordable mammogram? A safe abortion if I so choose. Which I did choose, when I was 17. It was the right decision for me at the time. It was. I will never be sorry for it. But I’m thankful that it was safe and legal and I didn’t have to stick a coat hanger up into me or pay an exorbitant amount of money to have one done in a back alley or my home. And then have to deal with the fact that I could have hemorrhaged and died right in my fucking bathroom.

I’m SO PISSED OFF! NO one but me, my partner, and my doctor should decide on my health and my care. I don’t need some fucking bastard working for Santorum’s campaign, Foster Friess,telling a woman to put an aspirin between her knees for proper birth control. WTF is that?????? ASSHOLE! I want my daughter, my daughter’s daughter, and my daughter’s daughter’s daughter to be whatever and whoever she wants to be. Whether she’s straight, gay, single, married, a mother, not a mother. Whatever she decides, she should be able to do on her fucking own!

How about we give the Republicans and the Religious Right all of the unwanted babies to raise. They want to cut government program and outlaw abortion, let them raise the babies!!!!! They won’t do it. Women who have unwanted pregnancies come from all walks of life and social backgrounds. We are poor, we are rich, we are old, we are young, we educated, we are uneducated, we are every woman that has become pregnant and afraid and thankful that we have a choice!

This is NOT a patriarchy. This is not The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. If you are a woman, man, teenager, anyone, read it. It will freak you right the hell out. Because that’s where this country is headed if we allow the Republicans to decide the future of women’s healthcare and rights. They will use us as cattle, and make us breeders, barefoot, pregnant, miserable and killing ourselves, our children and/or our husbands.

Did I make you think? Did I make you question anything? If I did, good! Make sure you vote in November and get those son of a bitches out of office. Keep Obama in. I’m not saying that everything is perfect and hunky dory with Obama but dammit he gives a shit about us!