I No Longer Hunger

I knew I was depressed the day food no longer held any allure.

He told me that he’d met someone and of course I was jealous, but what struck me was when he said that she didn’t eat much, like him. That they both never ate much so he asked her to have dinner at his place.

Of course my mouth got the best of me, and I spouted off, ‘well fuck, she must be skinny, how lucky for you!’

He responded, ‘it doesn’t fucking matter if she’s young or old, skinny or fat, I just wanted to have dinner with a friend.’

I knew she was more than a friend. That it was a date, and he had moved on.

I lost my appetite and became an empty vessel. I felt nothing, except the iciness of anxiety as it crept into my heart and made a home where my sparkle used to be. Something inside of me broke and I shut down. I hadn’t felt like this in ages, but I knew what it was.

My old friend depression had returned, and it had put its cold, dead hand in mine.

I finally admitted it to myself, and then my daughter this weekend.

‘Mom, I don’t think your anti-depressant is working.’

‘Honey, I know it isn’t, but I don’t know what to do.’

I sobbed while we talked, and I think I used about 25 tissues in about ten minutes. Meg kept reassuring me that I was going to be okay, but all I could say was I knew that I would be without a partner for the rest of my life.

The whole thing with K had devastated me. Here was this man that I was sure I loved already moving on.

Sure, he has his demons, but so do I.

There’s addiction, of food and alcohol that continually sing their siren song into my ear. There’s the nagging feeling that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. That I’ll leave no mark. That I’ll have been brave enough to save myself from insanity, to only die alone in some hospital bed while machines whir and measure my heartbeat till I’m no more.

The pit of depression is a deep one and I’m at the bottom of it.

To begin clawing my way out, I sent a text to my therapist. I’ve contacted my closest friends and I’ve told my sponsor the work I need to do. I think I need to make a call to my addiction psychiatrist, because I think I need a stronger medication to battle this. Meditation is great and prayer even better, but I know that I need it like a diabetic needs insulin.

I want out of this abyss, and I want to be loved. I want to love myself first, but that may never happen. There are women like me that feel love for those around them, but will never feel their worth until they are loved by someone else.

Tomorrow, I will get up early, and prepare for work. I’ll go through the motions of life and I will take time for self care and meditation. I’ll force myself to take care of myself, until it is no longer a battle, and I can do it with ease. And even if I’m never held in the arms of man again, I will find something in this life worth living for.

14 thoughts on “I No Longer Hunger

  1. I have to tell you a secret kind lady…I had to find the bottom of my pit, for in it was what I was searching for…me. The true me, the one that knew I was worth so much more than what this world had piled at my feet, and the many beliefs I had of myself because of them.
    Fuck em! I was angry at the time…at all of them at first (separation, divorce, anxiety, and a thousand other things that were all happening at once), and then myself because I felt so badly of myself I felt I deserved it. And then my daughter said something that would change me forever. I had been ranting and raving about how much I hated my dad in the middle of all that was happening, biggest a**hole that God had put breath into…and she just said ‘He’s been dead for 10 years…your the only one who’s hanging on to it!’…and it dropped me in my tracks…because it was true.
    I was angry for weeks after it (wouldn’t even talk to my daughter), because it was true…I was even more angry because I didn’t want to let it go…that ‘thing’ that I could point my finger at and blame so I didn’t have to do anything.
    But slowly I realised I had to let it go, forgive ‘him’ (which rankled for a very long time), and then forgive me for holding onto it.
    It’s hard, but slowly this new creature is born, one who now understands not only themselves, but the many hearts around them. One cannot ‘know’ self love until the walls are broken down, untangled from the pain we feel, and stand in our truth…the one where we know it is up to us…and take that first very loving, courageous step towards our own hearts.
    You can do it my friend, there is much pain you have been through…but that is only so that when you take that first step you will appreciate that loving embrace of what self love really is. And the more you take those steps, the more you attract from that place. And once you say to the universe, by doing those steps, that you are ready…the exact right person will ‘appear’…that I will guarantee with all my heart ❤

    • My goodness Mark, your story stirred my soul. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I am pointing the finger of blame at myself. I feel like I’m the one that has done all these dreadfully horrible things and I deserve no love or support. I’m lonely when I’m in a roomful of people, and I’m lonely when I isolate myself. I just don’t know what to do, but to keep moving forward. Thank you for your kind words and support. You’re one of the kindest people I know.

      • It is my pleasure Renee. Our journey is a tough one my friend, but finally there is a light. Just try to understand the ‘why’ behind it all. Look for the ‘why’ something makes you hurt. If you look into all your relationships you will find a theme, one that constantly happens like not allowing someone to get close because your afraid they’ll hurt you…but the very act of keeping them at bay actually pushes them away. We create what we fear I’m afraid, but it has purpose…it will show us the pain that is deep down from our parents, that childhood fear that we cover over with our walls, constantly dogging all our relationships. Be strong and look, because we do cover them very deep, find that one thing that keeps you angry or hurt…or both, and it is in there that your answer is waiting.
        And you can do this…I know you can do it as I have felt your energy. Anybody that can write like you do can create anything…create you, find that thing that is holding you back, that wall to your heart…in there is something so beautiful it will stun you when you finally see it…and a love that will bring tears to your eyes like nothing else when you finally understand ❤

  2. Dear Renee
    I greatly admired your writing in this week’s Friday Fictioneers, so I read this post.
    As I read it, I kept hoping it was fiction. I’m sad to discover that it isn’t.
    Depression is a bugger. I know from experience.
    If it’s any help, you can email me on pennygadd51@gmail.com, and I promise I’ll reply.
    With warm best wishes

    • Thank you so much for your kindness as it really means a lot. My blog is often about my life, but I like to write fiction too. I’m sure that in time this depression will lift and I will become my old self again. I appreciate you reaching out.

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