And so it Begins… Again

As you can see, I changed the name of my fearless little blog to Renee Writes Here. With the change to the New Year, I decided it was time to start over again. It seems that my whole life is a work in progress, and I continue to struggle with the good and bad of it. I look at the last five years of my life and wonder how the hell I got here.

I’m almost 50. I had a boyfriend for about five minutes till he became a disaster and tried to take me down with him. I bought a house with my daughter and live with her and my toddler grandson. I’m morbidly obese and feel like shit most of the time. I went to rehab for alcohol addiction, relapsed and then went back into recovery, all in the span of 16 months. I shut out the world, only to become so lonely I had to let it back in again. I watched a total fucking moronic asshole become president of my precious country. I gave up social media so that I could curtail the depression that seeped into my soul every time I glimpsed my timeline and saw the shininess of everyone else’s perfect life. Good God, I could go on and on!

A week ago, I decided I was done with the self-loathing and went back to the Medical Weight Loss Clinic that helped me lose 150 lbs more than five years ago. I’m on the second day of the Three Day Cleanse Diet and I feel like absolute hell. Have you ever gone on one of those low carbohydrate diets and you feel yourself crashing because of the lack of sugar? Well, that’s how I feel, but my stomach is also in turmoil, because all I’ve eaten for two days is two eggs, and two oranges a day, and all the red meat and raw green veggies I can stomach. The first day was great because dammit, I love beef. But now I’m tired as fuck and I’m cranky as hell, and I swear to GOD that my skin smells like meat.

I told Sheri in a text this morning that I think I need to journal how I’m feeling on the second, 25th, 100th, hell, even 300th day of this diet to remind myself why I don’t ever want to feel this way I again. I’m sure I’ll write about other things while trying to deal with this process yet again, but I can’t give up. I’m tired of being tired, and I’m tired of feeling like crap.

A colleague of mine that is not a food addict said she dieted one time back when she was in college. She said she hated that food was always on her mind, and that she was constantly hungry. She vowed that she would never feel that way again, and has made very conscious decisions about food and dieting all of her adult life. I wanted to call her a bitch, and tell her to fuck off, but I didn’t. I meditated on what she told me and really digested it. I realized, she’s right! You can’t make a decision to change and not be mindful of it for the rest of your life. It’s like any other addiction, you have to keep working at fighting the demon that’s chasing you.

And so it begins… Again. In 2018, less than three months until I turn 50, I’ll begin this process of change again. I’ll write my words here. I’ll write about my anger here. I’ll write about my sadness here. And I’ll write about my triumphs here too.

I hope you’ll come back and read my words, even if the Sparkly Girl you knew is gone…

6 thoughts on “And so it Begins… Again

  1. Oh she hasn’t gone anywhere Renee, she has allowed you to ‘see’ what you needed to see within your own heart. We all ‘touch’ that place within filled with our ‘self anger’, it’s what you do with it that matters. You chose to do.
    Hell, I’ve had my many goes at giving up smoking, then alcohol, then an entire way of being, all in the space of 10 years. Why? Because I realised I loved myself more than the world, and I deserved to find that love. And with it will come the love from others.
    It is a tribulation, but without it you will stay the same. You have found your heart and she is calling your name. Now begin a love that will heal all that went before. Trust me, the belief in yourself will be something you will never forget. And the love will be appreciated because you now know what it has been to feel ‘not loved’, by you or others.
    Oh, and besides much love, it will teach you one other thing…patience. And if it is one thing in this world that used to really push my button, it was that bloody word. Just for once, right bloody now would be fantastic…but then you wouldn’t appreciate what it has taken to find that love. If it all was just given to us, we would just brush it off without a thought. We need to appreciate us and what we have endured, and you will because underneath it all is a love calling out your name ❤
    Go for it my friend, you have all my love coming at you, believe in who you are and become that belief. You will do it ❤ 😀

  2. You can do this Renee! Doesn’t matter how many times you begin again, it matters that you don’t stop trying! Climb that mountain then have a look around to see what you have accomplished, you will be thrilled you did! LOVE YOU!

  3. I’m so pleased you have found a direction in your life and gripped it with both hands:-)

    Not so pleased that turned out not to be quite the magic you deserve.

    Totally delighted that you have not lost your intelligence and eloquence…'”a total fucking moronic asshole become president of my precious country”.

    Looking forward to hearing lots more of the suffering as you force your body to behave!


  4. We are all glitter. You are just seeing a different part of your shine right now, Renee. I am so happy that you are writing again. I feel the magic rising, and the seeds of new life are blooming under the New Moon energy you released into the world with this post. Thank you for being authentic and honest. You are an inspiration.

  5. life is never a straight path. it is winding and full of giant holes. But you are a fighter, always have been. You have gone on our adventures and we have gone on yours. We are still here fighting the good fight. And that is the secret. Keep fighting. In the end it is if you can look in the mirror and see your own eyes reflect back at you and know that no matter how hard, you have never given up. Hugs, love and a sharp sword and a keyboard that will help you win the war when the battle gets tough

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