A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind
Last night, after I placed the cannula from my temporary oxygen machine in my nose, I laid back and placed my ear buds in my ears. It had been months since I’d enjoyed any kind of music because it seemed like every time I listened to it all I did was get pissed off or sad.
Tapping the touchscreen of my smart phone I selected Cosmic Love by Florence and The Machine. Letting the sound envelop me, I tried my best to slow my breathing, enjoy every nuance of every note, and feel every word wash over me. I needed to be taken under the waves and made clean, and I figured Flo singing about standing in the darkness listening to a heartbeat would push me through the abyss.
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too,
So I stayed in the darkness with you,
At the utterance of these words, my body began to shudder. I wasn’t sure if it was from the steroids that I was tapering off from or the words that had finally hit me. Tears began to stream down my face and I wrapped my arms around my waist. I whispered into the air, ‘hold me, just hold me, I’ll be okay if you just hold me.’ I didn’t know who I was speaking to, but I didn’t want the experience to end.
Still shaking, I fingered my iPod to play Never Let Me Go. The tears continued, but with it came a sense of calm. Through the sounds of the oxygen machine, the fan, the music and my tears, I heard a crash. My old spirit was breaking free and I was on my way back to myself.
Finding the love of music again made me want to listen to more, but I forced myself to turn it off. I placed the phone beside my bed, rolled over and fell under the wave of sleep. I dreamed of Him, and fell even deeper into oblivion. I dreamed of the promise of him, and hoped that he was dreaming of me too.
Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.
And it’s peaceful in the deep,
Cause either way (Cathedral, where) you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under, Oh.
And it’s breaking over me,
A thousand miles down (on)to the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.
Never let me go, never let me go.
Never let me go, never let me go.
And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing over (out of) me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
But the arms of the ocean deliver me.
That’s such a powerful song, and the story that goes with it just gave me shivers.
Thank you, in oh so many ways Helena.
I remember that…any music would always tug at my heart strings and blur my vision. I was still dealing with my divorce and the years of re-creating what I wanted to become. Free.
And slowly I began with gentle music so that my tear ducts would have time to replenish…meditation music…the occasional happy song (but would nearly always pluck at those happy times I would remember)…until finally I realised I had to look within, find what was making me feel this quagmire of emotions at the drop of a hat.
And when I found (after a little digging…ok, it took a few years 🙂 ), the ‘thing’ that was holding me in this constant fear of rejection…I found the ‘beast’ in all its glory.
I looked for what was a constant in all my relationships, that one thing that I felt that ‘they’ all did to me…and that is where your fear is.
We always…(and I’ll repeat that) ALWAYS project our fears, and attract exactly that. It may be a little disguised but when pulled apart, they will be the same.
When someone throws a ball (fear), at you it makes no difference it it is thrown from next to you, from out of a tree or from a low flying jumbo jet. You always see the ball, focus on the ball. In reality you don’t even see who throws it, you’re just trying to juggle that hot potato that is the ball.
Me, personally, it was (what I felt), a rejection from my dad that had me feeling unloved and rejected. I spent the rest of my life burying any relationship in as much love as I could so as to never feel that rejection ever again. But in projecting that fear onto everyone, they eventually went ‘whoa, stop..let me breathe’, because they were beginning to realise I was burying them with my fear, not a true love but one based on that fear. I wasn’t really loving them, I was trying to hide my fear in them.
I have in fact had that thrown in my face three times over the last 12 months in a very big way because I refused to look at it. It is too painful, as it will be for everyone. But eventually it must be done. That is the key. Find the pain for it will set you free and remove that constant angst that will follow until you do.
Just a hint….find the one thing that hurts like crazy, makes you react in ways that you really feel within, brings anger to the surface, causes you to struggle within…and that is your path.
Have faith within of yourself, you can do this. The other path is to keep holding it out in front of you, to keep being hammered by all and sundry until you eventually reach a point where you just can’t keep doing this any more. Your heart is being trashed and it is just too painful to keep it in this space.
You are worth so much more, and you know that. And out of a heartfelt respect and love for yourself, you will break free, force yourself to look within and ‘see’ what has held you in that fear and finally understand and release a part of you that no longer belongs to who you will now become.
Um, I nearly did a post Renee 😀 Big hug my friend, you’ve been through much of your heart now, it is re-adjusting to what you want to become…the music will eventually be on because your just glad to listen to the beauty that is within it…and yourself.
Now if I can just appease the neighbours with my ‘happy’ racket 😀
Take care, in the beginning it is just hard to see the forest for the tree’s, but when your ready to look inside you will see all that beautiful nature all around. Trust me. Mark
Haven’t heard this song before, liked it so thanks
So glad you are healing; long process, but oh so worth it. I am getting there.
I am glad to hear you’re getting there too. My friend Franko tells me as long as we wake up breathing, the rest of the day is a bonus. I tell you, often his words are the only thing that has gotten me out of bed each day. Take care of yourself and be well my friend.