Quoteful Thursday-FDR and Fear


I wondered if I was going to be gutsy enough to write about the recent goings on in my life. But I’ve been too afraid. For so many years I’ve been ruled by fear. Fear of what others would think about me. Fear of being alone. Fear of losing my sanity. Fear of not having enough money. Fear of death. Fear of unemployment. Fear of being a drunk. Fear of being fat. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being found out. Fear of leaving my husband and making him sad. Fear of upsetting and hurting my children. Fear of just about every fucking thing you could think of.

Hell, I can’t even grocery shop without feeling the icy cold grip of fear wrapping around my heart. No, I’m not standing in the freezer section with hardened nipples. I’m trying to slow my thought process down and not be ADHD girl. To be fearless and say I can do the simple task of shopping without crying. I’ve always had Roger Darling to rely on, but not anymore. After 24 years I’ve decided to separate from him. I care very deeply for the man and we’ve had a good life, but it’s time for me to move on. I’ve tried for years to change my feelings for him. To try and love him again. There is no solace in knowing that I’ve broken his heart and the hearts of my children. I’ve broken apart my family.

I’m not asking for pity or empathy. The only thing I ask for is understanding. I pray for it everyday.

In a week I will move out of our home and into a little one bedroom apartment. I will leave all that I’ve ever known. I have not lived on my own since 1989. People, it is 2013 and I am 45 years old. I’m scared as fuck but I’m ready.

I have so much shit to pack. All I really want to do is go to sleep, wake up and have it be next week. I’m tired of hurting myself and those around me. I don’t know how it works, this moving on without Roger Darling. This not talking to him everyday. He’s been my confidant, lover, and friend. I want us to continue being friends. To not be the normal ones that go our separate ways. We’ve never been much for normal anyway. Hell, we raised our children to be outspoken, rebellious and fearless. We tried to live our lives that way too. I guess I didn’t comprehend the memo though.

I’m hopeful that in time Roger and I will be able to meet for a cup of coffee and conversation.  I know we’ll talk mostly about our children and what they’re up to. Meggie, the teacher. Adam, the lawyer. Chris, the lumberjack. Claire, the scientist. But I hope we touch on the subject of our past life and how good it was for the most part. I’ll want him to know that although we are no longer together, I’ve never regretted being married to him.

It was my destiny to be Roger’s wife and Meggie and Adam Boy’s mother. Unfortunately, I have to change the end of the story and go it alone.

18 thoughts on “Quoteful Thursday-FDR and Fear

  1. You have no reason to feel any fear! To quote “FDR,” you have nothing to fear but fear itself…

    Enjoy your day,

  2. A lesson I learned recently is that fear is actually a good thing (unless you know its a lion or a mugger)! The most terrifying things in life are normally the ones that lead to the things, people, and places that should be in your life. If you don’t move through the fear to the other side all those amazing things waiting for you there don’t happen. Even though I don’t know you I am so happy to read that you are moving on to what will be better for you! Living the life you want to live and not living in fear is a great lesson to give yourself and your children. I bet it will empower them to not give up on their own dreams and also allow you to grow as their mother because you are living yours:) Also I have to share this blog I follow that has so helped me with this in my own life: http://thedailylove.com/. Good luck to you!

  3. Everyone around you may not understand it now, but you did what you felt you had to do, and you are brave for taking this step. You are trying, and this is comprehensible and admirable. And that’s better than to sink into inertia waiting life to be over.
    I wish you all the best, Renee.

  4. That you even found the mental capacity to come here and put this all down in a way that made sense and spoke of your state of mind in a clear, concise manner speaks volumes of your character, darling. This will no doubt be a frightening time for you, full of uncertainty. I wish you all the best, and the strength to not backslide, and that opportunities to re-invent yourself will come along, and that you are brave enough to take them. Thank you for your frankness and honesty.

    • My darling,

      It took me three months to write this post. I still can’t believe I was able to get it all out of my head without it sounding like you should pity me. I don’t want that. I don’t want it at all. I broke apart my family. It’s not funny. It hurts. It sucks. All I want is for Roger to be happy. For my kids to be happy. I will not backslide. I can’t. My reinvention has already begun. I must continue this journey on my own. Thank you for your support.

      Love, Renee

  5. Do not take all the blame on yourself. They all played a part. Only take blame or what you did and work to discover your own whys. leave theris behind. They are adults so they can be adults and figure their own why out themsleves is my way. Adilts have enough on theri mental plates about themsleves without adding anothers so called adults stuff too. If they are adults then they can figure theri own mental plates out without you. Congrats and good luck.

  6. I “Liked” not necessarily because I like that you’re experiencing this, but to lend a voice of support and say that I appreciate that you can be brave and work through the fear. Take care Renee. I hope that your transition goes smoothly.

  7. You were right, I did like this one. It’s nice to see You out here from time to time… =) Now, stop being a-scared, and march boldly (vs. arrogantly) on to tomorrow. It’s been waiting patiently for you this whole while, and will welcome you with open arms, dear. Trust me, I know.

    • I promise you my brother I will walk boldly out into the world. I will be brave. But I will be smart and ask for help when I need to. I know you will hold my hand. Not figuratively, but spiritually. We will always have each other. Even if we are lucky enough to find love again.

      Love, nae

  8. You are very brave, and your life is just beginning over. Don’t be afraid. But in my opinion, you didn’t take three months out of fear, but out of love. You wanted to be sure. You wanted to be certain you were doing the right thing. I read your post, and I think you know what you’re doing. You were just telling us.

    I wish you the best.

    • Thank you my lovely Edward. Oh, how I’ve missed you.

      It’s true, I’ve tried so hard not to hurt anyone. But I had to. I had to tell the truth. When I did, it was horrible. Everything fell apart. Not just the family unit. We are making it though. We have a new normal. Wounds are healing and scarring. Funny, but scars are stronger than the original unmarked skin. I hope I see my daughter soon. I miss her so.

      Love, Renee

  9. I just found you/your blog.
    There can be fear in uncertainty, but you mustn’t torture yourself over it. You took time to make one of life’s difficult decisions. Had you flown off, half cocked and not weighed it out wisely, you may have had regrets and all of the “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” that come with that.

    Take it from a very wise old soul…
    We have to focus on what we must do to keep ourselves on the correct plane of life- We are NOT everyone else’s savoir. Once this is realized, we shed the anchors and bindings in order to be what we NEED to be in order to function as we are meant to, FOR US and the world around us.
    Be excited for what is to come!

    I’m following you now, and I am anxious to watch that butterfly emerge.

    • Additionally, how dare any of us “judge” the situation (from what I can tell, you have a wonderful group of supporters!) unless we are you. But as you know, there will be people who do judge. Pity them for their ignorance and free yourself from those who steal your joy.

      • My dear, I’ve taken steps to change my life. I now know that I made the right decision. I’m at peace and happy. So content. There will be times when I’m lonely, but I’m an extrovert. I will seek out people. I will not hide. There is so much of this life that I yearn to live. I’m going to drink every drop of it.

        Love, Renee

  10. Pingback: A Year of New Traditions by Renee | ASpoonfulofSuga

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