copyright-Janet Webb
“Why does it burn?”
“You’re allergic to their poison, child.”
Mommy coated my arm with baking soda and water to temper the fierce itch of the wasp’s sting. My heart raced as we saw the skin expand before our eyes. Mommy did what she could, but nothing prepared her for the closing of my throat and bluing of my already pale skin.
“Breathe Rachel, breathe!”
I did not respond. My breathing ceased and rapid heartbeat slowed. There was no fear for me, merely resignation to my fate. Death from a simple sting upon my young flesh.
Head bent, mommy wept.
100 words (genre: general fiction)
For anyone unfamiliar with Friday Fictioneers, we write 100-word stories. Stories based on a photo prompt, posted weekly on Wednesdays, on our master site: https://rochellewisofffields.wordpress.com/. The stories run the gamut and the authors come from all over. Stop by Rochelle’s page to find out more. I promise, you won’t be sorry.
As I state every week, please criticize the hell out of my work. Either a red pen, or riding crop will suffice.
It’s hard to click “like” on a tragedy…loss of a child. I do remember, as a very young child, a family member being stung by a bee and had that near fatal reaction. It was back in the late 50s. The doctors at the hospital transfused his blood out and back in thinking it would be giving himself antibodies. It worked. I know allergic reactions can be deadly and quick. Such a sad story.
I’m glad you liked it and thank you for your comment. I’m mildly allergic to them. Meaning that the location where I was stung would balloon up but my throat never closed. The baking soda and water application is a memory of what my mother would do for me when I was little. It was the only thing that gave me any relief.
Wow, your story goes perfectly with the rainy, gloomy day here! And I mean that in the best way possible. 🙂 How terrible it would have been in the days before there was a way to stop this from happening!
Here: “You’re allergic to their poison child”, you need a comma between poison and child so you aren’t saying the child is poison. Poor thing has enough to deal with in being killed off! 🙂
janet
who can smell the lilacs while reading and they smell wonderful!
Lilacs are my favorite too. Their aroma is intoxicating.
I made the grammatical change you suggested. Thanks.
I’m glad you liked the story. Your comments and criticism are most welcome too.
wow. really disheartening,. crushing, tragic.
well written. It hurt.
Randy
I’m glad you liked it. It’s not how I usually write. The story kind of sprung from a memory of my mom putting a concoction of baking soda and water on my inflamed skin when I was a child.
I’m glad you liked it. It’s not how I usually write. The story kind of sprung from a memory of my mom putting a concoction of baking soda and water on my inflamed skin when I was a child.
I don’t have any major critique. You went from the innocence of the simple bee sting to tragic death in a flash! The fact Mommy even comments she is allergic to the poison makes it that much worse.
It was pretty awful. I’m glad you liked it though. Thanks for the comment. 😉
EPI-PEN, WOMAN!!!! GET AN EPI-PEN!!!! Okay, rant over. As the mother of a child allergic to fire ants, I HATE this story. As a writer, I admire the skill with which you wove your tale. So… great story, but I’m going to do all I can never to think about it again! 😉
I know I was thinking the same thing as I wrote it. It’s tough to discern the time frame of the story in 100 words. I’m glad you liked the story. But I’m sorry for your daughter’s allergy. Keep that EPI-PEN handy. 😉
What the Hell, Renee! I’m getting out the riding crop… that’s a way too sad story. The fact it was so well written made it even worse.
I’m glad you liked it Ted. I know it’s a far cry from what I usually write. The riding crop is only used for grammatical errors. Giggle.
a great story .. i mean the way it was written !
Thank you so much. I appreciate your comment.
Painful, true and very tragic. I think that would be one of the most horrible ways to lose a child.
I agree completely. Thanks for commenting. I’m glad you liked the story.
Breathe my child.
In my minds eye this came next…
Lips pursing silent kisses, eyes bulging, like a child’s goldfish flopping upon a counter. I was really seeing the asphyxiation struggle, but my mind is way twisted.
Do you think making that last sentence as it’s own paragraph would have greater impact?
I did enjoy this one.
Thanks for sharing.
I “like” your twisted mind. Giggle. I think I will do as you suggested and make the last sentence its own paragraph. Hard to believe a story like that came to me in a matter of minutes. While other times, I struggle to get it right.
Thanks for your comment.
A sad story, made such not only by a child dying — but the detail you used to describe the allergic reaction. Certainly makes me relieved I don’t have a severe allergy like this.
I’m glad you liked it though. The imagery is made more real by memories of when I was young. The immense swelling of skin would happen, but not the throat closing. Thank God!
wow, i didn’t see this story going in that direction. Very well written Renee.
Thanks my sweet. It’s a far cry from what I usually write. Glad you liked it.
Great story, Renee. Very haunting. I could see it as a longer story written from the view of the ghost of the child that is telling the story. I have to say I just got an epipen for my son and am glad I did!
What a great idea. I may have to do that.
Glad you liked the story and I’m glad you got your son an epipen. Keep it handy.
I didn’t expect this from you.
A sad story, beautifully crafted, well done
Dee
Thanks Dee. I don’t know where it came from. I’m glad you liked it.
Oh, a very sad tale. Still, very well written!
Denmother
Thank you so much my dear Denmother.
Dear Renee,
You left me wanting to loan you another 100 words to tell me more. I liked the way you showed the child’s peaceful resignation. Sweet and tragic. I felt the poor mother’s helplessness. Well done. No riding crop here.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Glad you liked it Rochelle. What I could do with 100 more words. 🙂 I know it’s a departure from what I usually write. I’m happy you felt it too. It stems from a memory of mine when my mother used to put baking soda and water on my mosquito bites. I was horribly allergic to them. Fortunately not badly enough for an epipen.
Fondly,
Renee
All of our life experiences are grist for the mill. 😉
Yes my dear, they most certainly are.
Yes, very dark for you, but good. I rather enjoyed the trip into something I hope I never have to deal with.
Scott
Mine: http://kindredspirit23.wordpress.com/2013/04/18/friday-fictioneers-4192013-genre-sci-fi-pg/
Unusual for me to write dark. I’m glad I did though. I’m going to read yours now.
A great, tragic story. What a brave little girl. Hemingway would be proud.
You sir get a gold star on your forehead for that remark. I adore Hemingway. Thank you.
A very good realistic write
I think there is a real background story here
Thank you so much for the compliment. I may elaborate some more. Well see.
Well written with a surprise ending. Hard to do in just 100 words.
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m glad you liked it.
Great story, and very sad. It must be awful when you know your child has this form of allergic response. I wondered whether in a moment of panic a mother would say ‘breathe my child, breathe’. I’d probably use a name. Or maybe it just struck me because the word ‘child’ had been used a few lines earlier. Whatever. It was still a chilling tale, and well crafted.
I made the change you suggested and named her Rachel. Thank you for the kind comment. I’m glad you liked the story.
Yes it causes severe anaphylactic reaction like penicillin in some people. A friend got stung and could just be saved.
The poor bees know nothing of the horrors they can inflict on a family. Very well told, Renee.
I’m glad your reaction is mild. My throat closed over once (at least if felt like it did) during a bad hayfever attack, and it was terrifying. Luckily breathing, time, and relaxation were the cure.
I’m so glad you were okay. The worst thing we can do sometimes is panic. I do the same thing with long haired dogs. Fresh air and relaxed breathing usually do the trick. Thank God, because I love dogs and couldn’t imagine not having them in my life.
First of all, let me say how much I love the background of your blog. The bright colors are so happy and inviting. Now, on to the story.
I had a childhood friend who was allergic to wasps. His eyes would swell shut, but fortunately, that’s as far as it would go. This was a sad story, but well written. Good job.
Thank you and thank you. Lilacs are my favorite. Springtime is my favorite too. There’s nothing like the smell of fresh mud and flowers in bloom.
I’m glad you liked my story. Thanks for your kind comments.
A tragic tale. How terrible for the mother to watch her child die.
Yes, very much so. My stories tend to be romantic. Not sure where this one came from, but I’m happy it poured out of me.
I loved the dreamy quality of the child’s response, and how she was not afraid, just accepting. Well written.
Thank you for your kind comment. It was difficult to read after I wrote it. I think that it made for a good story though.
A powerful, sad story. The sting of bee can be fatal. I personally run from bees anyway, but my husband is allergic and was sent to the hospital once with a bee sting. Nicely done.
Thank you. Yes, I do run and scream like a girl whenever a bee flies near me. Hate them.
Oh, so painful to read. You succeeded in making the reader feel the moment.
Thank you for comment. I’m so glad you felt it. I know I sure did when I wrote it.
Wow. The death of a child. Terrible. But I love the way you wrote it. Good work!
Thanks so much. I usually write romance. This is completely different for me.
Tragedy, deep tragedy. So well written.
My dear Bjorn I thank you for your kind comment.
Well done, especially the choice of narrator.
Thank you so much. I gotta say I kinda liked the narrator too.
Very sad, especially when the narrator is a child and dies. As someone whose relatives are allergic to bees, I know the fear and danger that comes with them.
I’m allergic to long haired dogs, mosquitoes and bees. Long haired dogs are the worst though. Sometimes it scares me when I lose my breath.
Yeah, that would be pretty scary.
Great story Renee, sorry to see the little girl die, but it is somehow softened because she is narrating, as if from a better place perhaps? 🙂
Thank you my sweet. I think she was in a better place. Even if she had to watch her mother weep.
Renee! Why did you kill her???
Renee, it’s amazing what you can weave with a hundred well crafted words. Nice done! ♥
Thank you. I submitted it to Narrativemagazine.com for publication. Keep your fingers crossed.
Great imagery as they watch the skin expand before their eyes. My heart breaks for the mother’s helplessness.
I remember my mother putting Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer on my first and only wasp sting–no allergic reaction, but it still hurt like anything!
My mother did that too. She used that and tobacco. I do have an allergic reaction to stings. Fortunately, my throat doesn’t swell closed.
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