My Destiny was to be Their Mother


“No woman can call herself free who does not control her own body.” Margaret Sanger

Dr. P. placed the Doppler on my lower abdomen. She moved it slowly. Deliberately. She was looking for the sound I would grow to love more throughout the coming months. Within moments I heard it. Like the flutter of a hummingbird’s wings. It was my Meggie’s heartbeat. Fast, strong, and determined. I didn’t know it at the time, but those words would be used to describe her many times as she was growing up.

The doctor let the Doppler rest on my belly. It was still flat. It wouldn’t be for much longer though. I listened to my little nudger. The whump, whump, whump was soothing, but I was terrified too. My mind wandered. To four years earlier…

I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. I had a steady boyfriend. I was scared. Anxious. Pregnant. I was holding in my hand a positive pregnancy test. I hid in my bathroom and waited till the middle of the night to take it. I held the test tube up to the light. I sobbed silently. Wondering what the fuck I was going to do.

The sad thing is, three months prior, I had called Planned Parenthood. I’d made my appointment to get my first pelvic exam and procure a scrip for the “Pill”. I didn’t go. I never rescheduled. And then after a night of unprotected sex, I got pregnant.

I called Planned Parenthood again. This time to find out more about an abortion. They were so caring, gave me guidance and information. The day of the appointment, my boyfriend took me. He was great. I’m glad he was with me. I couldn’t tell my mother. So I didn’t. I was so afraid she would be disappointed in me.

At the clinic I was given a blood test. It was positive. I knew it would be. I spoke to a counselor. She gave me three options. Adoption, abortion, or keep the baby. She did not pressure me to terminate my pregnancy. I was given a choice-I decided that I would have an abortion. They gave me expert medical care, birth control, and follow up counseling if necessary.

I never regretted what I did and it wasn’t a decision I made lightly. I’m glad that my boyfriend was there to support me. I’m happy I had a choice. A safe one.

As time went by, my relationship faltered and life moved on. A child wasn’t to be my destiny for another four years.

I came back to myself as Dr. P finished the exam. I was so excited to be pregnant. To hear my baby girl’s heartbeat. I was scared, but I wasn’t alone. I was little more grown up. Better prepared. I knew it was my destiny to be a mother.

I’m still pro-choice. Aborting my baby was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. If I could go back in time, I’d make the same decision.

My heart aches for my first one. I often wonder what their heartbeat would have sounded like. What they would have become had they got the chance to grow up. I keep my mind on my Meggie and Adam Boy though. I know that they were my ultimate destiny. I was meant to be their mother, and that’s just fine with me.

24 thoughts on “My Destiny was to be Their Mother

  1. It’s a hard decision, but one at least you were able to make. There are so many that don’t have that option and it’s a shame. It’s not a decision any compassionate woman would make easily, but I’ve always believed that still should be OUR right to make it. It’s also a decision a lot of people don’t understand. I do.

    • Yes, my dear we should always have options. Safe options. This wasn’t about choice. It was about being pregnant and ready for it.I knew when I heard my daughter’s heartbeat for the first time that I’d made the right decision.

      Love, Renee

    • Oh my Kayla it was a difficult decision to make. I don’t regret it. I’m hoping that by telling my story it makes others realize how important it is to keep abortion safe. And to stress how important Planned Parenthood is for women. I’m glad you were there to hold the hand of your friends. Even if it wasn’t a decision you had to make, you respected and and loved your friends enough to be with them. Hugs to you my sweet.

      Love, Renee

  2. Reading this text, my respect for you got even bigger.
    You made a very hard choice, at a very young age, I can only imagine how hard it must have been…
    Honestly, lots and lots of respect for you.
    You’re such a strong woman. x

    • Oh sweetheart these decisions are what shape us. You will come to some crossroads in your life too. You will make decisions that will change your life. You must not let these decisions break you. You must take the lesson from them and move on. It’s what I did. It’s what I’m doing still. I respect you too love. You’re a good one.

      Love, Renee

  3. You are so right 🙂 I already had to make some like that.. but just never seemed to be able to let go of them.. But you’re right. You need to take lessons from them and move on x thank you! x

    • I promise the older you get, the more you will let go of those feelings. It takes time. But I want to warn you those memories will come back to you from time to time. And when they do, they will still shake you to your core.

      Kisses, Renee

  4. This is beautifully written and heartfelt. It’s funny how far we come even with a few small years. Though the guilt and wonder we wear will last forever. You are not alone here, my friend. And life is full of painful choices. I have three amazing daughters, but at times I wonder if “that one” would have been my boy”. Thanks so much for sharing.

    • Thank you so much for your kind comment. I know I’m not alone. I’m sorry you had to make that choice too. Years later it still comes back to us. It wasn’t our destiny to be mothers at that time. I’m thankful that we did become them though. When the time was right. I’m also thankful we had choices. Thank you for sharing your struggle and your decision with me. I cherish your words.

      Love, Renee

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