I am my own safe harbor

I had not realized how adversely closed adoption, and the absence of my biological history had affected me until I gave birth to my son Gabriel. When I held him in my arms, for the first time in my life I felt connected to the earth-Adoptee and adoptive parent Cori

For so many years I’ve looked to others to help me find my way. To steer me away from the rocks. To be my lighthouse. To be my beacon in a sometimes chaotic and unhappy life. Most of the time, the chaos was of my own doing. Being too opinionated to listen to other view points. Eating too much. Drinking too much. Yelling at my children. Yelling at my husband. All because I wasn’t happy. What happiness was I looking for? What more did I need? I’m not really sure. I am good woman. I’ve got a good heart. A husband that loves me like no other. Children that rock my world! A family that loves me. Friends that I can bare my soul to and never, ever have to worry about judgement. What more could a woman want?

I’ve finally concluded it’s my identity. To know who I am. My background. Where I come from. Who it was that bore me. Do I look like her? Do I act like her? Do I have her smile? Do I sing like her? She was 5’10”. Why am I only 5’6″? Do I look like my birth father? Does he know anything about me? Why didn’t she come looking for me when I turned 18? Doesn’t she know I love her? Does she love me? All these questions swirl in my mind and make me exhausted.

I’ve thought a lot about finding my birth mom, but I always think I’ll wait a bit longer. Till my life is perfect. Really? Who the hell’s life is perfect? What the hell am I waiting for? Why must I answer these questions? Shouldn’t I be happy with what is? Know that I am my own person. That I AM my own safe harbor. That I am the one who is ultimately responsible for my happiness. For if I am happy. If I have my identity, which my one true mother gave me, shouldn’t that be enough?

The mother who raised me is the one that made me who I am. She is the one that stayed up nights when I was sick. Built me up when I needed it. Tore me down when I needed it. Loved me through it all. She and I have had our moments. We have had our fights and disagreements. But she has always been my mother. I love her. She loves me. She is the one that taught me self-reliance and how to do things on my own. Just because I was born a girl, didn’t mean I had limitations. That I learned from my mother. My dear, sweet P. I get my voice from her. My attitude. Even my blue eyes. Really. No, not really. But she and I do look a lot alike. She and I are a good argument for Nature vs. Nurture. She has ALWAYS been my lighthouse. My safe harbor. She taught me to be my own safe harbor. I forgot that. Till last night. Till I wrote all of this today.

Will I find my birth mother? I’m not sure. I’d like to, but not at the expense of hurting my mommy. With her help, I’d like to. We’ll just see what the future brings. What storms come. What protection I seek. We’ll. Just. See.

19 thoughts on “I am my own safe harbor

    • Honey my life has never been the same since I had children. They are everything to me. They are my life. Have them. Have lots of them. For every day when you gaze into their eyes, you will see Heaven….

  1. Very beautifully written. This really gives me perspective on what a dear friend must be going through, as she too is figuring out her relationship to her relationships. Thanks for the beautiful thoughts.

  2. A lovely post. As the mum to two kids via international adoption, I’m sure these questions will come up time and again. I’ll certainly do my best to help my kids find their roots.

    • Remember to be honest with them. Give them YOUR roots. But also support them in finding out more about THEIR past. My mom told me I was adopted when I was three. I’ve always known and it’s always made me feel special. But in some ways it makes me feel lost too. Thanks for the comment and for reading me.

  3. I think that it is completely normal to want to find out “who you are”.
    I had all the same questions and issues and I’m so happy to have most answers now.
    Unfortunatly, it doesn’t always go that way, but I would like to think and hope that it will for you in the end.

  4. Yes you do need to know but when you are really ready and no promises
    your Birth Mom will still be living, Know that as each day passes, if it is what you need to know, in your HEART, go get your answers then, LIVE.

    Your Mom who loved and nurtured you and even argued with you will never understand why you need to find her, that is within YOU, it is a piece of you who is missing. My son’s parents who raised him said they were behind him finding me but sadly in the end fear raised it’s ugly head and took him from being elated to deflated 😦 he was so sad to see this look of hurt on their faces, know this and go in search as it is you who needs answers to all those questions about not them, they had you.

    I wish you well and will pray for the Happily ever after ending to your story in the way you want it to end.

    • Thank you honey for ALL of your kind words. They mean so much to me.So, so much. I hope your son changes his mind and comes to you. I hope you get all of his love and respect and some of his time. I commend you for your sacrifice. You did a great thing giving your child life and a good family to raise him. I’m proud of you. So very, very proud of you.

      • Thanks I know I did the right thing for that moment in time the other choices would have been bad or unknown and two older wiser people couldn’t do it wrong.

        He loves and thinks of me all the time and what more could I really ask for from really a stranger I was just so happy we found each other so the hurt can heal for both of us. He knows I will always have his back. We used to talk for hours then his parents were too hurt by his happiness with our reunion so he shut down to see them happy once again. Life is short I hope you are right but as far as I am concerned he is just like us to the T and we also do things to make others happy before ourselves 😦 gotta love those genes 🙂 Thanks I heard from him last week and I listened to his words and life will start to make sense now. Thanks you are going through your own journey God provided for him without me and if it is meant to be he will see us getting more time together but first healing has to take place with both of us I am 56 he is 35 we are getting there. but I will never be his mother she will be I will be a friend 🙂

      • Yes darlin’ but you gave him life. YOU will always be his birth mother. You gave him life. Don’t you ever discount that. You will always be more than a friend.

      • Oh I remember his birth so well 🙂 but I chose so well his need for a mother has been filled only in time will he see we are truly so alike he can’t there and me here 2500 miles apart so baby steps for now that he likes who I am as a person has to mean something 🙂 I know I am his Mother and she is his Mom she mended his knees and heart and he is a boy 🙂 he doesn’t truly get it! lol

  5. I’m interested in how this part of your life unfolds. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. They’re natural and part of your own life’s unfoldment. Go with it.

    • I’m getting closer to starting my search. There are things I need to do first. My daughter’s wedding in December for one thing. I want to find her. I will. I hope she’ll be proud of me. Ah hell, I know she will be. Thanks for the sweet comment my dear.

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