So I sent a letter to the menopause fairy, obviously she hasn’t received it yet!

Yep today I’m going to talk about periods. Don’t worry I’m not going to get disgusting or anything. I’m just going to pitch a bitch, because well, I’m fucking cranky! And I need cake with lots of whipped frosting and sprinkles! Purple sprinkles, for the love of God!

When I was extremely obese I couldn’t have periods. Seems my body created too much estrogen. I know what you’re all thinking… I bet that I was super great to live with. Well, let’s see that would be a big fat NO! I still had the crazy cycle of hormones but no period. AWESOME! NOT! It was even better when I had to take synthetic progesterone for 10 days to then force my body to basically, um, hemorrage for like 5 days. You would have thought that I would have wanted to lose weight just so I could have a normal period. Nope. I wanted to keep stuffing my unhappiness down with some pasta and gravy.

For eight years I did this crazy roller coaster of hormones, no periods, drinking alcohol and weight gain. There were hot flashes, cold sweats, periods of uncontrolled bitchiness, fits of crying. The list goes on, and on, and on. Wait, some of that still goes on today and I’m healthy! 

When the big weight loss journey began over a year ago, the hot flashes subsided. So did the cold sweats. The general bitchiness went away along with my big ass and my sadness. But SURPRISE, the hormones and stars realigned and I felt like I was 12 years old again. I was standing in the bathroom, staring at the package of pads. Strangely elated and disgusted that I had to start this whole damn process all over again. It had been eight years after all. I was kinda hoping I was done with it. Still it was nice to feel like a normal woman again. Though I wouldn’t say I’m exactly the most normal female specimen….

After I started running a few months ago the monthly cycles stopped again. Which was kind of convenient. Who the hell wants to be running a race and have to deal with tampons, pads, ibuprofen and all that other lovely crap??? Of course because I am a bit neurotic, I convinced myself I was pregnant. That had to be it because I was back to normal. I should have my period. Or maybe I was, cue the angels singing, starting menopause!

Roger Darling kept reassuring me that I wasn’t pregnant. He kept saying, Honey you’ve gotten the Essure procedure, you’re fine (Google it. I’m not going to explain it here!). Last week I’d finally had enough. I went to Walgreen’s, bought a damn test and peed on the stick. Roger walked into the bathroom, smacked himself on the forehead and said, I knew that’s what you were doing in here! Two minutes later we looked at each other and just laughed. The test came out negative, of course! Thank the good Lord, because I’m 44. I was a terrible pregnant woman when I was young. I did not want to go through that again.

So now that the first race has been run my training is over and I’m getting back to normal with my exercise, and the dreaded curse has returned. Whew! So off I go to find some good vegan chocolate thingy to eat. Gotta take some ibuprofen too. I might just have to get some neon gummi worms to round out the lovely craving I have for sweets. Or maybe a sucker, or some sweet tarts. Ahhhhh, the pure joys of being a woman. Ain’t it great?????? NOT!