To medicate or not to medicate, that was the question of the day

So my therapist asked me today if I wanted to be medicated for my ADHD. I looked at him like he was crazy and gave a huge emphatic NO! He smiled at me and stated he was not surprised. I told him that most of the time I flourish in this craziness that is my brain. But sometimes I get a bit obsessed. The hardest time I have with it is the insomnia. Most of the time I can sleep but then I focus on a certain topic, subject, situation or person and I’m up for hours, thinking. Of mostly stupid shit that makes absolutely no sense about whatever it is I’m obsessing about. He asked me how I deal with it and I told him I medicate, er meditate. No really I meditate, do Lamaze breathing techniques and/or face the fear or issue head on. I’m kind of an all there person. I just get in life’s face.

It’s kind of strange for people that don’t know me. A friend of mine said to me one time you’re an introvert pretending to be an extrovert. You’re really shy. Though part of that is true, part of it isn’t. I’ll be shy about some things but not others. Like if you tell me I’m pretty I’ll duck my head and avert my eyes from your gaze. It’s hard for me to deal with someone saying that. But I can look in the mirror five minutes later and agree that I do have a pretty face and my eyes are my best feature. I guess I just don’t want to sound like an arrogant bitch.

I think that stems from when I was young and all men wanted from me was not my words, my feelings, or my mind, just my body. My husband was the first man to ever love me for me. It’s always been difficult for me to find the right person to love. Because they never loved me back….. For some reason now it seems easier. Maybe because we’re older and in my world we’re not so obsessed with what we perceive as beauty. Maybe a beautiful heart is just as good as a beautiful face. I kinda think I have both…. Hell I know I have both….

So anyway this post was supposed to be about meds and it turned into I don’t even know what…. I did agree to increase my anti-depressant. That I’ll do because of the whole obsessing thing. But I do NOT want to stop feeling. I like feeling, well, just feeling everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. Just because I need to. For me it all becomes real when I feel…..

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